Meatload, Mashed with a Side of Medicine

Dinner time has always been special and my most looked-forward-to meal of the day. Since our daughters have left Sharon and I have a quieter, more relaxed dinner time. Its a simpler menu and less drama-filled conversations seated before the television tuned to the evening news.

Watching the evening news always made me feel superior in a smug kind of way. I don’t have any of those problems. I didn’t know of anyone involved in drug trafficking. I didn’t have anyone on the Columbus City School Board. I wasn’t getting thrown out of office for skullduggery. The war on terror was a million miles away.  Listening to all those problems made me feel great when compared to mine. 

That was until recently when I realized that with each bite of dinner I was being lectured to about all of my current or potential physical aliments:

• High blood pressure
• Shingles
• Allergies
• Arthritis with severe joint pain and inflammation
• Dry itchy skin, hot flashes
• Memory Loss
• Low teardrop production leading to chronic dry eye
• Sleepless nights caused by coughing/coughing caused by sleepless nights
• ED, COPD
• Too much earwax accumulation also known as Wax Pack (not really, I made this one up)

So along with the wonderful taste sensations of Sharon’s meatloaf and mashed spuds I get a serving of what’s wrong with me. But, of course they offer me a cure. If only my doctor will write the right prescription! But wait there are some potential side effects that they feel they must tell me about. If I take their drugs there is the possibility of:

• Dropping over dead. That’s Dead with a capital D,
• falling down sickness,
• high or low blood pressure,
• blurry vision, headache, rash, swelling, difficulty swallowing
• backache, liver problems, dehydration, dizziness, kidney challenges
• yeast infection,  problem getting pregnant
• shimmies’ and shakes
• and a condition causing something  to last 4 hours. Call your doctor!

And the actor pretending to be my doctor goes on and on with a list of side affects that is far longer than the disease the drugs are designed to cure. It’s enough to make me put down my fork.

Now, I understand that these drug companies have the right to advertise but enough is enough. Can’t I just enjoy my dinner while being informed of the latest things that are wrong in the world…shooting, drug busts, falling down houses, corrupt politicians or forgetful news reporters. Listening to those problems suffered by other people made me feel pretty good.  I don’t want to be told what’s wrong with me! Shoot, I already know what’s wrong with me. I don’t need to be reminded of it with every bite!

Maybe there’s a pill I could take to make these commercials go away?